|life update. again.
||[May. 25th, 2007|09:57 am]
So I'm in Corvallis, working as an assistant in my sister's law firm. It's been very strange for me to be putting on a button-up shirt and khakis and taking out my piercings every day. But its a chance to help my sister, so I'm all for it.|
I've been able to visit my friends in Portland, which has been good for my soul. L.A. hasn't been as warm and welcoming as I'd like... I feel like I'm vibrating on a different wavelength than so much of the city. I'll be staying long enough to do my fellowship at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force this summer, then I'll head east to live in NY with my little sis.
I cannot express to you how happy I feel about no longer working in bars. In one year, I worked at four different SoCal gay bars. I was a bar back, a bartender, a lighting designer and a doorman. I worked in Long Beach, West Hollywood and Silver Lake. I saw people pass out, puke, fight and fuck in all kinds of places. I felt so much inter-community hostility and judgement, saw men hate themselves and take it out on each other, watched more than a hundred different dancers take off their clothes and receive single dollar bills in exchange.
It's time for me to see my brothers in a different light.
It's hard not to judge when you are bombarded with unhealthy examples of a sub-culture on a daily basis... hard not to believe the cliches and stereotypes. Even harder not to become one.
I'm trying to be optimistic, trying to keep my head up, trying to look at the horizon and not be blinded by the setting sun.
I'm 7 months clean from a relationship that can't even be called a relationship, with a man that can't even be called a man, when I felt love that should never be associated with love. I was an unwitting little gnat in an intricate web of treacherous twists and turns, the full extent of which I may never know. Almost every single thing I knew to be true about him was a lie, fabricated for god-knows-what reason. I hardly miss him any longer, but the distrust he left behind has echoed for months and months and I don't know how long it will be before I will be able to really look someone in the eyes again.
Working on family law cases this month hasn't helped. Observing what people do to the ones they 'love' has further destroyed my idea of it.
If this is love... I'll take chocolate.